Monday, December 25, 2017

The Voice

The voice in the back of my head
It tells me that I'm not good enough
It tells me that I'm not smart enough

It's the sweating of my palms
It's the tightening of my heart

It's the fear of failing
It's the fear of trying

The voice in the back of my head
It tells me that I'm not pretty enough
It tells me that I'm not cool enough

It's the fear of rejection
It's the fear of defeat

The voice in the back of my head
I tell it to be quiet

I tell it that I am good enough 
and smart  and pretty

I am good enough

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Boy or a Girl

Boy or a Girl

I longed to hold you.
To see your face, to kiss your feet.
To hear your laughter to hear your cries.

I wanted to be the one you came to when life was hard
And I wanted to be the one you came to when life was not.

To hold you and love you
To tell you when you were wrong and when you’re right
To be proud of you and watch you succeed

Taken from me so young
Before I knew who you were

I longed to be your mom
To hold you when you’re sad, and to laugh with you when you’re not
To catch you when you fall and lift up to the sky

Taken from me so young, your little heart beating
And now it beats no more

To hold you just to know
if you are a boy or a girl

Sunday, December 17, 2017

The Face I Wear

The Face I Wear

The face I wear is never sad.
It's never angry and never mad.

The face I wear never cries.
It's never bitter but it always lies.

The face I wear covers my pain.
The face I wear covers my fear.
The face I wear hides who am I
It hides my sorrows and hides my pain

The face I wear you like to see.
But the face I wear is always a lie.

The face I wear is what you see.
But that face
is not really me

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Chapter 20 Maeve with Alexander

Maeve was sitting on the couch as she finished telling Alexander her story. "So you see I helped him. And he is coming back." Maeve looks at her son hoping he will believe her.
"I see. But I don't know where Maurelle is. Haven't seen her since, well since Matthew died. I saw the accident, but I was too late. Matthew was lying there and I couldn't do anything for him and Maurelle was gone. I don't even know if she was there at all. All I saw was blood on the steering wheel and the seats. So much blood. The police report said someone had hit them. They said something was dragged from the car." He looked at Maeve. "Maurelle she must have been dragged from the car. They found a trail of blood and evidence of someone being dragged. There was so much blood. Im sure she didn't survive."
"Well she did. She woke in the woods, alone and covered in blood. With no memory of her family or anyone."
"How do you know this? We have to find her! Justin needs her!"
"I don't know where she is, and that is not my concern. Right now I am going to burnt his town to the ground with or without your help." Maeve wondered why he just said Justin and didn't think of Tommy and Gwen.
"Are you serious? How can you think of destruction now?"
"Then you have made your choice. Did you miss the part where your son is evil? Did you miss when he became dark? He needs help! If he sees her, Maurelle, and she doesn't know him that won't help him it will hurt him."
"Then all the more reason to find her and help her retrieve her memories."
"You do what you must and I will do what I have to. But I must ask, why don't you care about Tommy and Gwen." Maeve couldn't understand why no one remembered them.
Alexander looked at her confused, "Who?"
"Your other grandchildren, Tommy and Gwen. Why don't you care what happened to them? No one seems to remember them or care about them." She was angry now and she didn't know why. She thought of the accident. She knew Maurelle was protecting Justin just as she was but she must have been protecting the other two as well. "I was only allowed to save Justin. Maurelle must have been protecting all three of them. She must have done something to keep them hidden from him."
Alex looked up. He knew exactly what she meant. "So I have two more grandchildren out there that I don't remember. Have I ever seen them?" He was now feeling this loss but he still couldn't see them.
"You did know them. I don't know why I remember them but it could have been part of Maurelle's plan. We have to find her for that."
"Yet you still don't want to find her. You just want revenge." He was disgusted.
Maeve looked away. She had wanted revenge for so long. She didn't know how to let it go and if she did Jonathan would be angry. "I don't know if I can."
"Then you are no better than Hunter. Both stuck in the past and because of that my family will suffer"
Those words hurt her. She didn't know how to respond. She wanted her son to know how much she loved him but she was trapped. Marius still had a hold over her and now Jonathan did as well. She needed to be free of both of them.
"One day I will be free. Free to make my own decisions and free to help. For now I am powerful and trapped. One day those chains will be gone. I promise you that."

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Filters off

Morning, no makeup, no coffee 

So people can be cruel. We all know that. People also use all sorts of apps to make their selies look amazing. Lets face it, we are not all the same but yet we should embrace that. Recently in the world of rp, a friend was critized because of how much they weigh in real life. People hid behind character profiles because they are scared of what others will think of the real person behind the profile. So i am starting this campaign. God didnt make any mistakes in making you. So i am tagging people, not set amount of people neeeded, just tag your friends. Show that you are proud of who you are filters off.
Yes my smiles, well im in the middle of dental work. Notice my puffy checks. Yes, yes it does hurt. Does that mean you wont rp with me? I hope not. This is me first thing in the morning. Bryce Imholz calls me.princess Anna in the morning.
If i didn't tag you, im sorry. Facebook has limits but please still participate. We love you not matter what.

Friday, September 29, 2017

The Forgotten Mother Part 5: A Family Dinner

As Lucy pushed Milah through the portal,  Milah lands on the ground hard but gets up and looks around. It is evening now but she can still see the house. It’s the one Neal was living in with the fairy. “That’s Baelfire’s house!” There were lights on inside and it seemed to Milah that there were many people inside. She crept around the house and peered in the windows.
A family is gathered to celebrate. Milah sees a grown Baelfire helping prepare food with Morriane  the fairy. She watches him kiss her and sees how happy the two of them are. Milah hears a noise, and she moves into the shadows. She hears the front door open and a familiar voice. Its rumple! She can’t make out what they are saying up she sees Baelfire give rumple and the woman he is with a hug. “Ok that’s Belle!” She says. Behind them a teenage boy enters. “Henry!” She realizes she became loud, so she covers her mouth and watches but tried to remain quiet. Morriane  goes up to Belle and give her a hug and the two go off together. Milah sees Belle holding a photo she is showing Morriane. Milah then sees Belle’s stomach. “She’s pregnant. That’s what they were talking about before.”
Henry go out on the porch. Milah beds down so she won’t be seen.  He stands out back looking over the water. Morraine and Neal’s house was close enough to the bay that it was easily seen from their porch. Henry smiles as she breathes in the fresh air.
From inside the house, Morraine calls for Henry to come and eat. Her growing stomach is more visible now than before.
They all sit down to eat. Milah thinks, “They all seem really happy. Rumple has love and a new baby. Baelfire, my Bealfire looks so happy.”
Morriane  puts her head on Neal’s shoulder. Milah watches her. “Look how she looks at him. He’s all grown now. Why would they need me?”

Saturday, September 23, 2017

The Forgotten Mother Part 4 A One Upon A time FanFiction (Henry and Hook)

Image result for henry and hook on the jolly roger

The scene changes again. This time to the Jolly Roger. Milah smiles at the thought of Killian. Hook and Smee are preparing the ship when a young boy and  girl approach.
Hook looks up as he sees them. “Hello Mateys are you ready?”
Henry was excited. “Sure where are we going?”
“I want to show you how to catch the wind.” He replied.
Henry took Grace’s hand. “I think we are.”
Grace was excited. She had never been on a pirate ship before. She nodded in agreement.
Hook laughed, “If you had told me years ago that the Dark one’s grandson would sail on my ship as my guest,  I would have thought you were crazy.”  He looked at Smee. “Mr. Smee, set the sails.” He commanded.
Smee nodded, “Aye Captain.”  
Hook takes Henry and Grace up to the helm and shows them where he carved port and starboard. “I carved this a long time ago. When I taught your father how to sail.”
Henry smiles, “Yes he showed me once.”
Hook laughs,  “Oh right when you left me in NYC. How could I forget mate!”
Grace was curious, “You taught Mr. Cassidy how to sail? Did you know Morraine as well?” She knew they grew up together. So this was not a far leap to think he knew Morraine.
“Aye that I did love, that I did. He was with me for a brief moment while he was on Neverland. But no, I was never in town when he was little. Spent most of my time in the pub. Not the place for children. I suppose.”
Now  let’s go! Mr. Smee are we ready?

Back in the underworld
Lucy was growing impatience. I have had quite enough of you she says to Milah. As you can see they are all happy and they don’t need you, but we don’t either! Lucy pushes Milah thru the portal, and she lands on the ground right outside of Neal and Morriane’s tree house.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

The Forgotten Mother - A Once Upon a Time FanFiciton (Part 3) Rumple and Belle

The scene changes. A room comes into view. It’s a room like no other Milah has seen before. There a woman is laying on a bed and she sees Rumple sitting next to her. A man in a white coat comes over and he moves something across her stomach. Milah listens in so she can figure out what’s going on.
Dr. Whale places a monitor on Belle’s stomach and moves it around. A photo appears on the screen as he does this.
Milah was amazed as the screen seemed to  look like a baby.
“You little girl is very healthy for being 5 months along.” Dr. Whale adds.
Belle smiles, and she looks at Rumple, “I told you there was nothing to worry about.” She takes Rumple’s hand and places it on her stomach. “Our little girl will be so loved. She is already loved so much and has such a big family to support her.”
Rumple watches the monitor and smiles. “Well Mrs. Gold, I guess we better think of some names.” He kisses her. “Belle I love you. You will be an amazing mother. I will always protect you and our baby.” He sits down, For so long I was alone, and now I have my family back. I have you, our baby, Bae, Henry, and Lucy. (He stops and thinks) and I guess Morriane  too. I couldn’t be happier.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

The Forgotten Mother: Part 2 A Once Upon A time Fanfiction (Neal and Morraine)

Image may contain: 1 person, outdoor
The Forgotten Mother: Part 2  (Neal and Morraine)
The scene starts out cloudy but then soon it comes into focus. She sees a field with two people laying on a blanket watching the stars. Morriane  and Neal can be seen lying on a blanket out in a field at night watching the stars.
“I used to do this all the time in the village. Do you remember? It was so different there.”  Morriane says.  She moves over closer to him. “Nature is so beautiful, isn’t it?” She looks at him and blushes.
He  kisses her on the forehead and says, “You are the beautiful one.” He takes his hand and rubs her belly. “You will make a wonderful mother.”
She blushes again as she looks into his eyes. “You are so sweet and handsome. How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?”
It was at that moment Neal thought of his own mother. His parents must have been happy like this at one point. “Do you ever think they were happy? My parents, I mean. My mother was so sad must of the time, I wanted her to be happy. I thought I could make her happy.
She held Neal as he finished his story. She could see the tears in his eyes as he spoke. It broke her heart. “Neal I know many people have left you over the years, but please know I am not going anywhere. I love you! I will never leave. I never give up on my family.” She pulls him close to her and kisses him.

Monday, September 18, 2017

The Forgotten Mother (A Once Upon Time Fanfiction) Part 1 

The Forgotten Mother (A Once Upon Time Fanfiction) Part 1 

Lucy was created a few years ago as Rumple's mom. She was a fairy who had lost her wings for marrying Malcolm. When she was young Lucy was attacked by Dracula and turned into a vampire. Fearing that she could not control herself around her son she fled. She is based on Lucy from Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Deep in the underworld, Lucy paces the halls looking for another slave to torture. Having been trapped in the underworld some time ago along with Hades, she passes the time with torturing souls. Lucy found comfort in Hades who loved how evil and sadistic she had become. Passing through the halls she came upon a familiar face.
Smiles and calls to Hades "Hades dearie! I think I found my next victim."
He loved watching Lucy torture. It gave him great pleasure in seeing her work. "My dear who will it be this time." And then he saw her. "How did we miss you all this time?"
"Oh no don't scream my dear. No one will save you here. None of the living would save you either, so why would any of us." Lucy bent down and looked into her eyes. "There is nothing worse than a woman who would give up her own child. FOR WHAT! He was a child, and you left him. YOU LEFT MY BAELFIRE! I Will TEAR YOU APART MILAH!"
Lucy herself had left Rumple but for his own protection from her. Milah left for a man. Something Lucy could not forgive.
"You know my love. I love watching your work, but I think I have a great idea. Psychological torture maybe be more painful to Milah than physical torture we could deliver. Don't you think Milah would love to see how happy her family is? Without her."
Milah could not speak. Lucy and Hades were now the most terrifying being in all the underworld. She was petrified.
Lucy smiled at Milah. She turned to Hades. "You have the best ideas my love. I want to see her bleed." She kisses him and then turns back to Milah. "You know they are all happy. Rumple is happy, Baelfire is happy." Lucy stops and thinks." Well I guess it is a good thing I didn't kill Morriane. She came to her senses and chose Baelfire. Now Milah, I have the perfect solution." She opens a portal. "With this portal you can see all of your well I can't say loved ones because none of them love you. But you can see them if you think about them. Have fun dearie."
Milah thought of the name Morraine remembering the little girl who played with Bae as children in the village. "He's with Morraine?" She smiles.
Lucy smiles, "And now you will see how happy they are without you."
Milah steps up to the portal. She thinks about those she loves and those she lost along the way. How can I trust them? They are making all of this up? How can Rumple be happy?
The portal opens and Milah watches.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

My Baby (Part 2 In All in God's Time: Birth after miscarriage)

I had given up. What was the point of testing if it was always negative? About the time of my fifth anniversary, I was on my way home from work and I had noticed that had still not gotten my period. I had been carrying supplies with me all week, but I have not used any of them. I thought was strange, and that I should have started my period already. Driving home, I counted the days since my last period and trying to figure how many days had passed since my period should have started. At that point, I had no expectations about being pregnant. I didn't even do the normal testing I had been doing.
I went home and checked my cabinet for a pregnancy test. , I had one. I didn't think I was pregnant. Each test the previous months was negative, so I did not want to get my hopes up. I took the test and waited. Wait three minutes to get the result, so I left the test in the bathroom and went into my room. I would watch the test. But this time I didn't have hope for it to be positive so I went about doing other things and then came back to it.
It was positive. I could have jumped out of my skin. I could not believe it. Then I called my husband, but he was driving home so I had to wait.
I made a list of things I should eat and things I shouldn't eat. I cut out certain things from my diet, such as caffeine, soda, and chocolate. It was difficult to give up chocolate and coffee. I tried to eat healthier. I even drank tomato juice though I hate it. I ate many fruits and vegetables and drank plenty of water. I could not wait to make my first doctor's appointment. I guess I needed the doctor to confirm that I was pregnant because I kept telling myself that it could not be real. I had wanted it for so long I thought it could be a mistake.
Devin told me, "Sometimes women want to be pregnant so that they exhibit pregnancy symptoms."
I think Devin was skeptical about the test. Even when I was pregnant with Zelda I heard his step-mom ask him, "Well is she or isn't she?"
"Well that depends on if you believe these test things." He said.
He didn't believe it either since he had been waiting right along with me.
The nurse told me, "You cannot have a false positive. The test detects signs of the pregnancy hormone. If you have it, then you are pregnant."
I can't complain all that much about the symptoms of pregnancy. Some people get so sick they throw up all the time.
I threw up a few times, but I was tired. I was so exhausted! I would come home from work and go right to sleep. I would sleep from 7:30 at night until the next morning and I was still tired. One day I came home, went to bed at 5 and sleep all night. It was crazy! I was not as sick or as tired with my second pregnancy.
My husband said, "You were sick because the pregnancy was not going well. This time things are looking good so you are feeling better."
I told everyone I was pregnant; I couldn't hold it in. We took the test on Friday. I went to work on Saturday, my boss asked me, "Are you pregnant?" She whispered this but everyone still heard it.
"How can you tell? I took the test last night?" I was shocked. Was I showing already? It was a weird question to ask someone. I took a while to answer. I didn't know what to say. I was not ready to tell her, but I did not want to lie.
"Your stomach is flatter than that." I still can't believe she said.
We went to Devin's parents' house Sunday night and told them; and I called my parents and told them.
"That's wonderful! When do you think your due date is?" My mom was excited.
"I think like May 20th or something like that."
"Oh wonderful! Now just remember that lots of people have miscarriages. If it happens to you, don't blame yourself."
"OK." I didn't think anything would happen. I heard what she said, but I was too happy to think anything would happen. I wasn't about to think about a miscarriage or anything that could hurt my baby. Everything was, as my mom said, 'wonderful'.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Wanting to be a mom (Part 1 In All in God's Time: Birth after miscarriage)

Chapter 1
Wanting to be a mom
I wanted to be a mom desperately. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I lost my mom when I was 11. She was such an amazing and inspiring woman. I hope to one day be half the woman she was.
I didn't get married to have a baby right away. We had been married for 5 years before we talked about having a baby. It gave us the opportunity to spend time together and get to know each other.
When Devin said he was ready to be a dad, I was excited. I had to get things in order and arrange certain things. I was a teacher's aide at a special education school and they do not take part in our state's disability program. I had to get my own disability insurance. I had to make doctor's appointments to make sure that everything was ok with me and take prenatal vitamins. We talked about what we would do with the baby when she came. We cleared out the spare room and talked about names.
I thought I would be pregnant right away, but it did not happen that way. I took my basal temperature and using ovulation testers. I created a calendar where I would keep a record of my temperature, my ovulation, and my periods. I did many things. I did this for months. It was expensive.
"Stop buying these tests. We don't have enough money for you to keep doing this." Devin kept telling me. "It will happen when God wants it to." He said.
I didn't give up, but I didn't expect to get pregnant. I felt like I would never be a mom. This was frustrating because I thought God wanted me to be a mom. Had I been wrong?
Although I still kept testing and checking things, I did not get pregnant. When we first tried to have a baby, I would test before I missed my period. I could not wait to test. I would mark on the calendar when I could take the pregnancy tests. After months of negative tests, I gave up on ever getting pregnant. I know that some people try for years with no luck. It seems like a small thing now to be upset after only a few months of trying.
I went to my doctor for a regular check up. She had also been trying to get pregnant and now she was about 5 months pregnant. She tried to explain some things to me.
First, she said, "Get a good ovulation tester." Then she said, "Sperm can live up to five days in the uterus, so it is good to have sperm in there before you ovulate. The younger the sperm are, the stronger they are, but once the egg drops you only have 12 hours to fertilize it before it deteriorates."
This conversation helped me. I had been using the testers, but I was going about it all wrong. I thought that when the test says you are ovulating then you should have sex, but that is not the case. A few days before you ovulate is the best time. That way I had a much better chance of getting pregnant. Once the egg drops there is no time, but I could have a supply of sperm waiting for the egg.
It amazes me how some teenagers get pregnant the first time they have sex, and someone like me can't get pregnant. As Devin said, "It will happen when God wants it to."

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